Hey peoples... just an update... I never thought my depression could get anything worse. Nothing in my life really feels right anymore. I dunno if I'll ever get over this slump. You would think with these emotions... I could draw or write or something. But I don't want to do ANYTHING. I miss how things were over the summer. At least I had people around and stuff. Now, I have a couple of good friends but I spend most of my life alone. It gets pretty cold at night too. I never wanna go to bed but when I am there I don't want to get up. I wonder what the point is. I've been throwing myself into games trying to distract myself from life, but you have to come back to reality at some point.
Do you ever think back on things... and wonder... if you did things differently... would things be better? Maybe if you hid the things you thought and hid the things you felt... kept quiet and stayed in line... would it be right again? I do all the time. And I do wish I had done things differently... But what sucks the most is... I know NOW what I should have done. And it's too late. I can't fix it. I don't even have this person in my life anymore. And it sucks. I used to feel like I could talk to him about anything... But now we aren't even friends...He'll probably never talk to me again.
A lot of the time, I blame my "disabilities" or other stuff for what goes wrong in my life. But I'm learning... most the time... It's my fault. Choices I made... Things I have said... things I have done... Getting upset over the little things... Ignoring the big things...I tried to hard to change him... when in reality... it was ME who needed to change. Not me personally... Just my behavior and how I treated people. And I needed to learn how to be patient...
People wonder... why I do the things I do... why I don't go out... why I don't date people here... why I seem strange... I know if I don't let people in... they can't get to me...But at the same time...It hurts to be alone. So, take the risk? Or stay safe? I go back and forth on this one a lot. I love my apartment for this reason. It's a secured building... and I can choose who comes in and who does. I wish life was that easy.
Maybe... September will make things better. Everyone says Disney World is one of the greatest experiences in a person's life. I get to go to Disney World in September. One of my best friends and I have it all planned out already. It seems like it will be fun. And it will be just us girls. We're going to stay in the Disney Pop Century Resort. It has like 3 pools... One is A flower, you have a computer monitor and I think a bowling pin? It seems like a pretty nice place. We've got maps printed of the park and we've decided on the rides and shows we'll see. I'm pretty excited about Animal Kingdom. There's also a place where you can go swim with sharks. I dunno if we will do that but it seems like fun. I always wanted to go when I was little. So, I'm getting pretty excited about it now. I guess we'll see when the time gets here...
Guess ya'll know what's going on...I'll probably update again eventually... til then ciao. (like anyone will read this ha but if you do... thanks...)